American
✦ Inspired by: A Hitchhiker-style pan-galactic culinary parody
Infinite Improbability Crunch Spheres
Golden potato-cheese croquettes with a shatteringly crisp coat and a cool, bright herb dip. Designed as emergency ballast for anyone reckless enough to order a Pan-Galactic Gargle Vox, these are crunchy enough to survive hyperspace, comforting enough to forgive several poor decisions, and significantly more appetizing than anything served during a Vogon poetry recital.
What It Is
Crispy potato-and-cheese croquettes served with a lemony dill, parsley and chive yogurt dip. Essentially the side dish equivalent of putting on a seat belt before the universe starts making suggestions.
Origin
The first batch was allegedly assembled after a Pan-Galactic Gargle Vox tasting left the catering department with three bent spoons, one missing towel and a toaster demanding citizenship. Pidge handled the structural engineering, Hunk fixed the seasoning, a suspicious Cylon achieved perfect browning, and somebody yelled BAM at the breadcrumbs until they became legally classified as enthusiastic. Professor Farnsworth later called them 'good news' before immediately forgetting why he had entered the kitchen. A Vogon attempted to write an ode to them. The croquettes survived. The audience did not.
Fun Fact
The safest known way to eat these is while seated, wearing sensible shoes, and keeping your towel within grabbing distance. Scientists remain divided on whether the herb dip reduces improbability or merely makes it taste better.
Ingredients
- 2 lb Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled and cubed
- 2 tbsp butter
- 1 cup shredded sharp cheddar
- ½ cup grated Parmesan
- 2 tbsp chopped chives
- 2 tbsp chopped parsley
- 1 tsp garlic powder
- ½ tsp onion powder
- 1 tsp salt
- ½ tsp black pepper
- 2 egg yolks
- 1 cup all-purpose flour
- 2 large eggs, beaten
- 1½ cups panko breadcrumbs
- ½ cup fine breadcrumbs
- Vegetable oil, for frying
- ¾ cup plain Greek yogurt
- ¼ cup mayonnaise
- 2 tbsp olive oil
- 2 tbsp lemon juice
- 1 small garlic clove, finely grated
- 2 tbsp chopped dill
- 2 tbsp chopped parsley
- 1 tbsp chopped chives
- ¼ tsp salt
- ¼ tsp black pepper
- Lemon wedges, for serving
Steps
- Place the potatoes in a pot of salted water and boil until fork-tender, about 12–15 minutes. Drain very well and let them steam dry for 2 minutes so the filling does not become a damp planetary event.
- Mash the potatoes with the butter. Stir in cheddar, Parmesan, chives, parsley, garlic powder, onion powder, salt, black pepper and egg yolks. Chill for 20–30 minutes, or until firm enough to shape without requiring Starfleet engineering.
- Set up three bowls: flour in the first, beaten eggs in the second, and panko mixed with fine breadcrumbs in the third.
- Scoop the potato mixture into golf-ball-sized portions. Shape into rounds, coat in flour, then egg, then breadcrumbs. Press gently so the coating adheres with the determination of a Borg collective at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
- Heat about 2 inches of vegetable oil to 350°F (175°C). Fry in batches for 2–3 minutes, turning as needed, until deeply golden and crisp. Drain on paper towel and season lightly while hot.
- For the Mostly Harmless Herb Dip, stir together Greek yogurt, mayonnaise, olive oil, lemon juice, garlic, dill, parsley, chives, salt and black pepper until smooth.
- Serve hot with the herb dip and lemon wedges. Eat promptly, preferably before somebody begins reciting Vogon poetry or the toaster starts asking philosophical questions.
Notes
If the potato mixture is too soft to shape, chill it longer. For maximum cheese-related irresponsibility, tuck a small cube of cheddar into the centre of each croquette. Pairs particularly well with a Pan-Galactic Gargle Vox, ginger ale, or any beverage that has not yet achieved sentience. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Substitutions
Swap cheddar for Gruyère, mozzarella or another good melting cheese. Use gluten-free flour and breadcrumbs if needed. Extra Greek yogurt can replace the mayonnaise in the dip. For a less dramatic version, bake at 425°F (220°C) for 18–22 minutes, turning once.
Storage
Store croquettes and dip separately in airtight containers in the refrigerator for up to 3 days. Reheat the croquettes in an oven or air fryer so the crust becomes crisp again. The microwave is permitted only under emergency interstellar law.
Freezing
Freeze breaded, uncooked croquettes on a tray until solid, then transfer to a freezer-safe container for up to 2 months. Fry or bake from frozen, allowing a few extra minutes. Do not freeze the herb dip unless your long-term goal is discovering new and unpleasant states of dairy.